Especially in my last days at school, I spent my share of time crying in Neal's office (our campus minister). I'd usually go in for chit chat and a hug, the conversation would change, and all of the sudden I was crying... again. Shortly after that, we'd get to a point in when I no longer had a response, an argument.
I would sit and listen while he encouraged me truths about God. We both acknowledged they were things I already knew but needed reminding. I had no choice but to nod and agree as he spoke. If my voice was strong enough or if I felt like I'd been quiet too long, I'd find the strength to whisper,
"I believe that."
It might have been more to convince myself than to convince him.
A few months later, I learned the New Testament word for believe: pisteuo. It's a verb that can also be translated, "To put one's faith in" or "to trust."
Looking back, part of me feels like I was lying every time I told Neal, "I believe that." Sure, I knew the truths he was speaking were indeed true. I acknowledged them, I accepted them, but I was having a hard time trusting them.
After all, if I weren't struggling with trust, I would not have been in his office in tears.
It's hard to trust God when He's forcing you to give up a place you love long before you feel it's time to leave. It's hard to trust God has a plan when all you're getting is rejection letters.
Honestly, not knowing what happens immediately after graduation, not having a plan makes me feel like a failure.
Maybe in an earthly sense I am.
But, I am leaning a lot about pisteuo. A lot about belief and trust. A lot about hope and peace. A lot about clinging to God.
And that can never be called "failure."
I believe that!
PS: I learned the word pisteuo from Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Tomorrows. If you haven't read it, then I suggest you check it out.