He put his arm around me in a side hug. There we stood in silence for a few minutes. I never said this but I was more than tired; I was discouraged.
The previous night we had done a worship service at a youth-filled home church in the city. It was in the upper room of this little house where our team of 26 took up most of the incredibly uncomfortable seats. The youth from this church sat scattered among us, crouched on the floor in the back, or stood squished in the corner.
They started out the worship service with some songs, prayer, a dance, and a short message. Then we did some of the same things: three songs, a skit (the only service we didn't do The Heart Skit), a prayer, a sign performance, a testimony, and a sermon. By the end of the service, most of our team was in tears, in awe of how alive the Spirit of the Lord was in that church.
This is an excerpt from my journal that night:
God, I'm a little jealous that everyone else had such wonderful experiences tonight. I know You are alive and here in Nicaragua but I didn't feel it the way everyone else did. I know that You speak to everyone in different ways but it seemed like You spoke to everyone in the same way tonight... except me.My eyes were dry. I felt nothing. I was annoyed with God for not allowing me to feel the same thing as everyone else. I was jealous, and I hadn't told anyone but God.
My head still resting on his chest, Neal rubbed my arm with his hand.
"God's using you, you know," he said.
As silly as this sounds, I was surprised to hear that. I knew that God would use me but I did not know He is using me. Present tense. Not some abstract future occurrence but right now.
Neal continued, "A lot of people said when you signed 'My Savior, My God' last night was when the Holy Spirit started to work on them."
I had no idea. I figured God had started speaking when they danced, when we sang in two languages, when the father and son did a duet, when we prayed... sometime long before I took the stage.
Apparently not. The Holy Spirit used me and I had no idea. While I still would have liked to enjoy the overwhelming experience like the rest of my teammates, I was stunned and amazed to learn that I had been used and I had no idea.
I think I thanked Neal for telling me exactly what I needed to hear.
The version of "My Savior, My God" I signed was written to be a trio. I signed it by myself. A Trio, a Holy Trio, perfromed it.
Sometimes the Holy Spirit uses you and you know it. You feel it. But sometimes the Holy Spirit uses you and you have no idea. You don't feel it.
Are you ok with both?