Wacky Wednesday

Author's Note: The following is a collection of ridiculous or profound statements and conversations heard throughout the month of December. <>< Katie

[In bed not wanting to get up on a Sunday morning]
Jennifer: Why can't we just have church here?
Katie: Those are called televangelists.
Amy: Or Katie could preach. My Bible's over there.
Katie: Oh, good. I need that.
Amy: Jennifer can be the pulpit.
Katie: Who's going to serve communion?
Amy: We're Baptist. We don't do that every day.

Mrs L: There's the cookie sheet I've been looking for! The flat one.

Mom: Awe, man! My new vacuum is parts as parts! With screws and everything! I just want to plug and play! I don't have time to put together a vacuum cleaner; I have to vacuum! The humanity!

Katie: What is that noise and how do we make it stop?
Mom: It's me washing the windows.
Katie: Oh. It sounds like Tina's farting ringtone.

Katie: This is your job for next week.
Uncle Jack: Put that vacuum together? That I can do. Is there more than one piece?
Katie: No.
Uncle Jack: Well, then we're pretty much done. What's the next project?
Katie: Fix the dishwasher. That's tomorrow's job. It can't wait until next week.

Uncle Boris: For senior photos I got: "Your head looks like a mushroom" or "your head looks like a plantain."

Amy: How do you only lose one boot?
Jo: I just kicked it off and I don't know. How do you need stitches once a week?
Amy: What?
Jo: I'm not kidding. Every Saturday I needed stitches. It was usually stupid stuff too like getting excited when the grandparents came over and tripping up the cement stairs.

Katie: Look! It's a bracelet I can wear as a belt and it's ok!

Dustin: Katie, what's one word that describes you?
Phil: Jobless.

Jennifer: Your volcanic pretzels look like an anteater nose.

Mom: Now you told Laura that she has big feet and Christina that she weighs more than the dog. You  need to go to bed. Go to your room!
Uncle Jack: Oh, do you need a complement, too? You look very nice up there dusting.

Alex: No more squeaking in the car.

Caroline: (something about) Britney Spears.
Katie: Does she have hair again?
David: I thought she was dead. I thought she D.O.ed. I mead ODed.

Laura: Girl, I have a knife and an onion in my hand. Don't mess with me!]

Jennifer: Katie, if you were on a desert island with email and a book, you'd be just fine.
Katie: Yeah, I'd just Tweet for someone to come rescue me.
Jennifer: You wouldn't have Twitter. Well, I guess you could just email someone.

Jo: How do you poop in your shoe when you lay on your back?
Amy: He's two months old. Who knows!

Mom: Look at those white caps!
Katie: Those aren't white caps; they're mud puddles.

Jennifer: So we put these there.
Katie: But these already have those.
Jennifer: "These already have those?" Katie, I wish you would write down your own quotes.
Katie: Sometimes I do.

Alex: Wal-mart is like a time-warp. You walk in and boom you've been there for an hour.

Katie: We have a tendency to be late to Peder Eide concerts.
Mom: No, you have a tendency to be late.
Katie: No, last time I was two hours early! But I might have been responsible for making the entire concert late.

Uncle: All of the sudden you get a gray eyebrow, and it's like, "I'm here, and I'm looking around! I can drive the car all by myself, thank you. Where's my beer?!"

Amy: By the time I get to church I'm tired.
Katie: Amy doesn't love Jesus!
Amy: No. [Beat] Wait. [Beat] What did you say?

Laura: Do we have any Dixie cups?
Mom: Yes, they're in the slow cooker.

Christina: Laura, I really like those pants. They make your legs look two inches deep.

Uncle Boris: If you give a moose a muffin.
Mom: If you give a pig a pancake.
Katie: If you give a squirrel a shrimp.
Uncle Boris: If you give a cow a cornflake.
Mom: If you give a mouse a cookie.
Uncle Boris: No, it has to start with the same number.

Grandma: The [Christmas] tree was giving me the finger in reverse.

Katie: I have "Live Like Christmas" stuck in my head.
Laura: Good! 'Cuz IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Tabitha: Sorry. My stomach makes weird noises after I eat.
Rebekah: It's called digestion.

Alex: You just stabbed yourself with my fingernail.

Laura: I have to go pick up twenty things in my room because that's how old I am.
Mom: Or you could pick up for twenty minutes.
Laura: No!

Jamie: My goal this weekend is to make it in Katie's quote book.

Mom: Oh, there's a random plate in the fridge.
Katie: Better than a fork in the den.
Friend: Did I just walk into an alternate dimension?
Christina: Welcome to the Axelsons'!

Jamie: Ok, she never needs to wear her hair like that again. She looks like the girl from Star Wars--Glena.

Mom: If I'm going to get anything done today, I have to take off this sweater.
Katie: What?! If you want to be productive, you have to be naked?
Mom: No, no, no. That's now what I said. This sweater--
Laura: She already told me. That sweater you can't roll up the sleeves and the bottom's stretched out so it's BAAHUM PAAAAAH!
Katie: Is that a direct quote?
Mom: How do you spell that?

Chris: What will Andy say is your quirkiest feature?
Elizabeth: I repeat myself. I say the same thing.

"Rudolph is like the Bible--you can't take it out of context."

Uncle Jack: We didn't pray, you know.
Katie: I talked to Jesus already.
Uncle Jack: I find myself doing that a lot--especially with you guys around.

Jennifer: Save money. Buy pants.

Katie: Matthew, I really don't mind if you sing Christmas songs--even if your voice isn't cooperating. But we need Jesus Christmas songs. No Santa Christmas songs today.
Matthew: Well, if you paint Santa as a Christ-figure--
Katie: No.

Laura: Sometimes Miranda bites me.
Mom: Bite her back!
Laura: Zach did once, and she cried!

Katie: Jennifer, do I need my Bible?
Amy [serious]: No. We're only going to church.

Rhonda: Awe, man, I am tired! Claudia, it's going to have to be a fast bath.
Donovan: I am totally Tweeting that!
Rhonda, Claudia: No! We want jobs some day! Don't Tweet about us giving the cat a bath.

Mom: Katie's driving so that means she's ultimately the boss!

Katie: Does anyone know what the temperature is supposed to be today?
Amy: Check your email.
Jennifer: High of 51. So cold!

Mom: I have not successfully made burnt carrots yet!

Lauren: Do you spell your name as one word or two?
Maryrose: One with no capital "r."
Sarah: I don't think God cares.

Katie: What's for dinner?
Mom: I don't know yet. I don't know who's all going to be here. If it's just Dad and me, we're having steak. If everybody's here, we're having bologna.

Laura: If your socks and my socks had a baby, it would look like this scarf!

"God appoints people who disappoint to point to a God who never disappoints." - Ann Voskamp

Peepers the Goose

Grandpa and I were sitting on my Uncle Boris and Aunt Sasha's patio looking over the rolling hills of their farmland, watching the chickens run loose, and Peepers the goose control the roost.

We were teasing about challenging Big "Woman" on Campus Peepers, but we weren't brave enough to actually do it.

Grandma came out.

"Hey, Grandma, go chase Peepers," Grandpa said.

She did.

Grandma ran at Peepers.  Peepers stood still.  Less than three feet from each other, Grandma chickened out, and turned to walk away.

Peepers ran at Grandma.  Grandma screamed.  Uncle Boris came to the rescue.  Grandpa and Katie laughed.

Peepers: 1
Grandma: 0