Wacky Wednesday

Author's Note: The following is a collection of ridiculous or profound statements and conversations heard throughout the month of December. <>< Katie

[In bed not wanting to get up on a Sunday morning]
Jennifer: Why can't we just have church here?
Katie: Those are called televangelists.
Amy: Or Katie could preach. My Bible's over there.
Katie: Oh, good. I need that.
Amy: Jennifer can be the pulpit.
Katie: Who's going to serve communion?
Amy: We're Baptist. We don't do that every day.

Mrs L: There's the cookie sheet I've been looking for! The flat one.

Mom: Awe, man! My new vacuum is parts as parts! With screws and everything! I just want to plug and play! I don't have time to put together a vacuum cleaner; I have to vacuum! The humanity!

Katie: What is that noise and how do we make it stop?
Mom: It's me washing the windows.
Katie: Oh. It sounds like Tina's farting ringtone.

Katie: This is your job for next week.
Uncle Jack: Put that vacuum together? That I can do. Is there more than one piece?
Katie: No.
Uncle Jack: Well, then we're pretty much done. What's the next project?
Katie: Fix the dishwasher. That's tomorrow's job. It can't wait until next week.

Uncle Boris: For senior photos I got: "Your head looks like a mushroom" or "your head looks like a plantain."

Amy: How do you only lose one boot?
Jo: I just kicked it off and I don't know. How do you need stitches once a week?
Amy: What?
Jo: I'm not kidding. Every Saturday I needed stitches. It was usually stupid stuff too like getting excited when the grandparents came over and tripping up the cement stairs.

Katie: Look! It's a bracelet I can wear as a belt and it's ok!

Dustin: Katie, what's one word that describes you?
Phil: Jobless.

Jennifer: Your volcanic pretzels look like an anteater nose.

Mom: Now you told Laura that she has big feet and Christina that she weighs more than the dog. You  need to go to bed. Go to your room!
Uncle Jack: Oh, do you need a complement, too? You look very nice up there dusting.

Alex: No more squeaking in the car.

Caroline: (something about) Britney Spears.
Katie: Does she have hair again?
David: I thought she was dead. I thought she D.O.ed. I mead ODed.

Laura: Girl, I have a knife and an onion in my hand. Don't mess with me!]

Jennifer: Katie, if you were on a desert island with email and a book, you'd be just fine.
Katie: Yeah, I'd just Tweet for someone to come rescue me.
Jennifer: You wouldn't have Twitter. Well, I guess you could just email someone.

Jo: How do you poop in your shoe when you lay on your back?
Amy: He's two months old. Who knows!

Mom: Look at those white caps!
Katie: Those aren't white caps; they're mud puddles.

Jennifer: So we put these there.
Katie: But these already have those.
Jennifer: "These already have those?" Katie, I wish you would write down your own quotes.
Katie: Sometimes I do.

Alex: Wal-mart is like a time-warp. You walk in and boom you've been there for an hour.

Katie: We have a tendency to be late to Peder Eide concerts.
Mom: No, you have a tendency to be late.
Katie: No, last time I was two hours early! But I might have been responsible for making the entire concert late.

Uncle: All of the sudden you get a gray eyebrow, and it's like, "I'm here, and I'm looking around! I can drive the car all by myself, thank you. Where's my beer?!"

Amy: By the time I get to church I'm tired.
Katie: Amy doesn't love Jesus!
Amy: No. [Beat] Wait. [Beat] What did you say?

Laura: Do we have any Dixie cups?
Mom: Yes, they're in the slow cooker.

Christina: Laura, I really like those pants. They make your legs look two inches deep.

Uncle Boris: If you give a moose a muffin.
Mom: If you give a pig a pancake.
Katie: If you give a squirrel a shrimp.
Uncle Boris: If you give a cow a cornflake.
Mom: If you give a mouse a cookie.
Uncle Boris: No, it has to start with the same number.

Grandma: The [Christmas] tree was giving me the finger in reverse.

Katie: I have "Live Like Christmas" stuck in my head.
Laura: Good! 'Cuz IT'S CHRISTMAS!

Tabitha: Sorry. My stomach makes weird noises after I eat.
Rebekah: It's called digestion.

Alex: You just stabbed yourself with my fingernail.

Laura: I have to go pick up twenty things in my room because that's how old I am.
Mom: Or you could pick up for twenty minutes.
Laura: No!

Jamie: My goal this weekend is to make it in Katie's quote book.

Mom: Oh, there's a random plate in the fridge.
Katie: Better than a fork in the den.
Friend: Did I just walk into an alternate dimension?
Christina: Welcome to the Axelsons'!

Jamie: Ok, she never needs to wear her hair like that again. She looks like the girl from Star Wars--Glena.

Mom: If I'm going to get anything done today, I have to take off this sweater.
Katie: What?! If you want to be productive, you have to be naked?
Mom: No, no, no. That's now what I said. This sweater--
Laura: She already told me. That sweater you can't roll up the sleeves and the bottom's stretched out so it's BAAHUM PAAAAAH!
Katie: Is that a direct quote?
Mom: How do you spell that?

Chris: What will Andy say is your quirkiest feature?
Elizabeth: I repeat myself. I say the same thing.

"Rudolph is like the Bible--you can't take it out of context."

Uncle Jack: We didn't pray, you know.
Katie: I talked to Jesus already.
Uncle Jack: I find myself doing that a lot--especially with you guys around.

Jennifer: Save money. Buy pants.

Katie: Matthew, I really don't mind if you sing Christmas songs--even if your voice isn't cooperating. But we need Jesus Christmas songs. No Santa Christmas songs today.
Matthew: Well, if you paint Santa as a Christ-figure--
Katie: No.

Laura: Sometimes Miranda bites me.
Mom: Bite her back!
Laura: Zach did once, and she cried!

Katie: Jennifer, do I need my Bible?
Amy [serious]: No. We're only going to church.

Rhonda: Awe, man, I am tired! Claudia, it's going to have to be a fast bath.
Donovan: I am totally Tweeting that!
Rhonda, Claudia: No! We want jobs some day! Don't Tweet about us giving the cat a bath.

Mom: Katie's driving so that means she's ultimately the boss!

Katie: Does anyone know what the temperature is supposed to be today?
Amy: Check your email.
Jennifer: High of 51. So cold!

Mom: I have not successfully made burnt carrots yet!

Lauren: Do you spell your name as one word or two?
Maryrose: One with no capital "r."
Sarah: I don't think God cares.

Katie: What's for dinner?
Mom: I don't know yet. I don't know who's all going to be here. If it's just Dad and me, we're having steak. If everybody's here, we're having bologna.

Laura: If your socks and my socks had a baby, it would look like this scarf!

"God appoints people who disappoint to point to a God who never disappoints." - Ann Voskamp

Wacky Wednesday

Katie: Sometimes broken things are worth keeping.
Nikki: Like us.

Sara: I'm going to lick Cinderella's castle.
Heather: Or you could lick Mickey's butt.  Or you could lick the trash can Goofy touched.  Or you could lick the road where everyone walks.  Or you could lick David's face.  Do all of these sound ridiculous?  So does licking Cinderella's castle!

Katie: Go outside by the puke.
Andy: You want us to buy you some puke?  That's a waste of money.  We could just produce it naturally for you.
Katie: If I ever need any puke, you'll be the first person that I call.
[Elizabeth and Andy kiss loudly]
Katie: I have my own naturally-produced puke now.  Thank you.

Elizabeth: Jennifer!  Do not chip clip your eyelashes!

Nikki: Katie, I'm pretty sure you're one-fourth dog.  I'm going to get a dog whistle just to annoy you because I'm sure you'll hear it.

Katie: Dork.
Jennifer: I'm not a dork.
Katie: "Dork" is a term of endearment just like sassing is a love language.
Jennifer: A dorking is a pigeon with five toes.
Katie: I've also heard a dude is an infected hair on an elephant's butt, but I don't believe that either.
Jennifer: [laughing hysterically] Allyson!  Come here, dude!
[She proceeded to call everyone a dude and laughed all night]

Andy [making lunch for our student teachers]: Do you want ketchup or grape jelly?
Amy: A mix of both.
Andy: Don't tempt me.
Amy: Andy, I like my sandwich cut in the same of animals.
Elizabeth: I like mine cut like monuments.
Andy: Amy, yours are cut like quadrilaterals.

Jennifer: I wish I could buy an eraser just to erase things.

Eva: She's high maintenance.
Evan: That's my fiance she's talking about.
Katie: Are you going to let her talk that way about your fiance?
Evan [with pride]: I like maintaining her.

Katie: I'm studying English, Spanish, and American Sign Language.  This summer I'm going to China.
Josh: You realize none of those languages are going to help you in China, right?

Hannah: What's Katie's last name?  Axelson or Axelton?
Matthew: Have you seen Katie?!  It's not AxelTON.

Jennifer: I could be like a hamster and stick the candy in my cheeks, take it up to my tower, and eat it there!

Grandma: Yeah, we had burnt carrots--
Grandpa: --We had burnt carrots, burnt broccoli, and burnt offerings...

Jennifer: Katie, if I finished your sentences they'd start with words and end with numbers.

Danielle: I don't know how to wrestle Katie.  I'm afraid I'm going to break her in half!
Katie: I told you, she could lift me with two fingers: it's not a fair fight.
[Later I was wrapped around her body and she was standing and spinning]
Jo: Oh!  Don't hurt her head!
Katie: But it's ok to hurt the rest of me?

Nikki: Sometimes I just really don't think it's fair that I  am so blessed with so many of you wonderful girls in my life when there are lonely people in this world. [beat] Maybe I should start pawning you off to lonely people. [beat] Katie, you're first!

Katie: The sauce-dressing stuff on this salad is so thick and overpowering that I can't tell what's chicken and what's a crouton.
Josh: I feel like that may be the point.

Jennifer: BRRRR!
Nikki: I'm sobrrrr!
Katie: I'm not.

Nikki: Andy, the word "sloughing" is in this book.  And I used it today.
Andy: In a periodical sense?

[In the coffee shop, Amber's giving the attention wave to her computer.  She was watching a video.  Entire conversation in ASL]
Katie: Are you talking to yourself?
Amber: No, I'm in class, and I'm copying the teacher.
Katie: Why?
Amber: Because it's fun.
Katie: So you are talking to yourself.  Or you're four.  Which?
Amber: That one! [the four]

Katie: Ladies, you crack me up!
Jennifer: Oh, do you need some glue?

Dr. D: I never sneeze in dark rooms.

Jennifer and Allyson: Do you need anything from the store or the bank or the coffee shop?
Katie: I mean, if the bank is giving out free samples, I'll take some.

Lauren: Oh, man!  This scratch paper she gave us is so big and antique-looking.  It intimidated me.  I had to get a piece of scratch paper for my scratch paper.

Jennifer: I don't want to go to dinner.  I forfeit dinner.

[Andy was studying.  I was reading with my head in Amy's lap; Amy was studying]
Andy: Katie, you have a laceration on the occipital portion of your head.
Katie: Amy, I'm sorry I'm bleeding to death in your lap.
Amy [pulling away]: WHAT?!

Jennifer [singing]: Holy, holy, holy!
Katie [spoken]: Can I finish my story?  Lord God Almighty.

Dr. H [female]: This is my stun gun. POW!
Matthew: Don't taze me, bro!

Jonathan Martin: When the Spirit is working, there is a strange cocktail of supernatural boldness and awareness of my fragility.  It's like His calling card.

Bees are Bad

It's apparently teacher's week.  My mother is a teacher.
It's apparently my mother's birthday.  My mother was born on Mother's Day.
It's apparently Mother's Day.  I love my mother.  And my godmother.  And my grandmothers.  And my adoptive mothers. And...

We should be doing something super fun and girly like getting manicures and celebrating them.  But we're not.  In fact, I don't think my mom is seeing any of her daughters on Mother's Day.

I could write something super sappy to go with the super sappy card and maybe send some flowers to... the car?  As I write this my parents are driving across the country to pick me up from another year of school.  I'm fervently studying for finals (can't you tell?) instead of packing to move home again.  Maybe a funny story would be better.

A couple of years ago my mom was planting bushes in our garden.  She jumped on the shovel and it went into the ground really easily.  When she pulled it out, she realized why: it was a bees nest.  Suddenly, bees began to swarm out of the ground around her.  She said it was like a cartoon as she ran across the yard trying to figure out what to do.  She couldn't go inside or they would infest our house.  She couldn't keep running forever.  Luckily, we have a pool.  Mentally she searched herself to see if she was wearing anything that wasn't water proof as she flung open the pool gate.  She pitched her gardening gloves onto the sidewalk as she slid into the pool under the cover.  It's an in-ground pool where the stairs don't have a cover but the rest of the pool does, so she made sure her head stayed underwater above the stairs but the rest of her body was under the pool cover.  She said she could see the bees swarming above where she was and eventually they went away.  When she finally poked her head out she saw Dad and my sister get in the car and drive away, oblivious to the backyard brouhaha and the fact that my fully-clothed mother was in the closed pool.  When all of the bees were gone, she got out of the pool and walked to the back of the house.  In the most pitiful voice she could muster she rang the intercom, "Will someone please bring me a towel?"

I did as I was told and Mom wrapped herself up the towel and pouted on the deck.  (My mom looks like Sarah Palin if you want to put an image of this in your head).  Of course, I laughed at her before finding some Benadryl for her bee stings since she had to stay outside.  The rule in our house is that after swimming you can't go inside until you don't leave a "butt print" anymore.  In other words, if you sit down on the deck, does your swimsuit make the deck wet?  Well, Mom was going to have a butt print for a very long time.  While we were waiting, the phone rang and we recognized the number as Dad's cell.

Mom [pitiful voice]: Bees are bad.
Dad: Tornados are worse; get in the basement.
Mom [looking around at the sunny, clear sky]: Now?
Dad: No, next week Wednesday.  Go!

Thanks to a tornado somewhere else in the county Mom broke her own "butt print" rule, and we were banished to the basement instead of enjoying our beautiful, sunny day outside.

I love you, Mom.

<>< Katie

PS: While we were picking out cards, Jo mentioned it's also nurse's week.  I think she just wanted us to buy her a card.  But my godmother is a nurse, so I suppose I could buy her a card.  Happy nurse's week, too!

To-do List

In February, sitting on my desk was a to-do list:

• Email staff writers
• Read for African American lit
• Read Playboy of the Western World
• Read Orchid of the Bayou
• write poem
• ILL for class (Inter-library Loan)
• change oil in car
• buy ink
• pointless paperwork

I returned from class to learn my to-do list has been modified:

• Harass Lizzie Poo about writing her articles
• Get scoliosis from African American lit book
• Read Playboy
• Read about the woman who won't go blind in "Orchard" of the Bayou
• blog a book review
• write poems
• be ill for class
• clean the apartment
• sanitize hands
• blog about it
• learn to play guitar (more than four chords)
• blog
• sanitize door knobs
• eat cheese
• blog
• Wii (but not the skiing Wii)
• Make cheese dip for sweet suitemates
• Blog
• Be mocked by Nikki

Thanks.

Actually, that last one has been crossed off... several times.

For two weeks we kept a sass chart known as "Mockery Madness." Every time someone sassed me they earned a point (except Andy who earned a drawing...). Sassing kind of became a game but we used golf-scoring meaning whoever had the lowest score won.

Our predictions were accurate: Nikki lost by a landslide and Jo won. Nicole didn't really earn her point until after the week was over, but we put it on there anyway since she's never here long enough to sass me. Melia avoided me for two weeks because she didn't want to be a smart alec on accident and get her name on the chart. Danielle earned all of her points in one night. Andy joined several days late and almost came in dead last. Even our campus minister, Neal, found his way on our sass chart. Unfortunately no one remembers what he said but we remembered it was really good and I threw a grape at him to retort.

After a few days we decided we needed a new category: physical sass. These points are exactly what they sound like: someone touched me for the sole purpose of being a vexation. Physical touch is valued in our apartment and hugs, back rubs, and new hairdos are welcome. On the other hand, being poked while trying to stand still on the Wii, being hit in the face with a goldfish (cracker), having my cell phone stolen, being assaulted with a bouncy ball, and being kicked in the back of my knee just so I fall over are not welcome.

I should be honest: we all pick on each other. However, I have a different accent and unique diction than the rest of my friends, so I'm an easy target. It's really not fair. Just because I can use words like "TYME machine" and "schluck" does not give you permission to mock me. :-) Oh, and I get mocked for sounding too northern so I throw in a "hey yall" and get mocked for sounding too southern. I just can't win!

It was during these two weeks of Mockery Madness that we decided mocking is a love language, at least in my life. Every person that sassed me did it because they love me. In fact, every single one of them took a moment throughout the week to also build me up and encourage me. Maybe the encouragement doesn't happen as frequently as the sass does, but that's ok as long as the both exist.

After all, if we're going to call each other brothers and sisters in Christ, we need to fight like brothers and sisters do. Make sure your sibling rivalries aren't one-sided. Build each other up in brotherly love, too. (Yes, I'm preaching to myself, Mom, I know).

<><>

BANG

With a good-book in my hand, I was curled up in the coziness of my bed with two blankets, a comforter, and Mom's homemade quilt (don't get me started on our air conditioning situation...). I was confident, safe, amused, and lost deep within a another world when suddenly I was rudely ripped back to reality.

I don't know which I heard first: the banging or the screaming. My mind went wild.

Someone just fired gunshots in my living room, I panicked, imaging the worst case scenario. My suitemates are out there bleeding to death, the thoughts continued as I contemplated the best way down from my loft: climb or leap. What if the gun-man is still out there?

Wait a second, that didn't sound like gun-fire, I noted. This isn't inner-city Chicago; this is the middle of nowhere. Way too creative, Miss Writer. I began to think of more plausible ideas. The guys on first floor felt their snow-ball pelting a few weeks ago was inadequate and we've become their target once again? Bottle rockets? Fire crackers?

"Gosh, I love the smell of sulfur," Nikki moaned; Allyson and Jo still screaming incomprehensible words.

Once I realized we weren't all going to die and my heart stopped pounding, I turned back to my book and instantly could felt my face turn red. The book in my hands? Fearless by Max Lucado. The Chapter? "Worst-Case Scenario." Yup. Maybe I should start reading that chapter again.

<>< Katie