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I have a good friend who is very bad with email.  He admits it, and I'd say that to his face.  Usually if I get a response, it's a week later and brief.

That's a big if.  Normally, I don't get a reply.  Sometimes I wonder if I really sent the email or if I only dreamt I did.  I've considered attaching a "read receipt" so I know when he's gotten it and read it.

Except last week I was talking to him and he made a reference to something I'd said in an email.

"You do actually read my emails," I exclaimed in shock.

He assured me he does.  He reads all of them even if he doesn't respond.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's God.  He reads all of our knee-mail (sorry, that was bad).  God hears our prayers even if we don't hear His response.  In his book Too Busy Not to Pray, Bill Hybels points out that God only speaks when He has something to say.

Sometimes that quality drives me nuts.  But I take comfort in that fact that He has heard my cries.

As a writer who thrives on feedback, this silence is especially difficult.  But it's necessary.  If it weren't, God wouldn't put me through it.

So, even know I know responses will be few and far between, I will continue to email my friend.  Even know I know I may get an answer of silence, I will continue to pray to the Lord.

<>< Katie

God's Character

Last night I dreamed I got an email from my friend Whitney. She was leaving her job and looking for a new one. The email that I had to read twice described in detail her ideal job and asked if I had any suggestions for where she should start looking. Right, ask the unemployed for a job idea. Good call.

First thing when I woke up this morning was reach for my phone. I needed to hear again why Whitney was leaving her job after only a year and a half. As I typed out the text message, I replayed the dream in my head.

Something wasn't adding up:
- The email. Whitney and I rarely email. We prefer facebook, text messages, and Skype.

- The job. While the transition into this job has been a struggle, Whitney regularly tells me how it's a blessing, a prayed-for job.

- The idea job. What she described is essentially where she is.

I never sent her the text. I knew she wasn't leaving her job. Why? Because I know Whitney. I know how much Whitney loves her job, enjoys what she does, and sees God work in it. Knowing Whitney's character helped me differentiate between what was a dream and what was reality.

Just like I know Whitney, I want to know God. I want to know His character so well that in musing and praying over something, I can tell whether it was from Him or the enemy. I want to be aware of whether what is happening is consistent with the God I see in the Bible, the God I experience on the daily basis, and the God I know to be real.

If it's not, stop! Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars.
If it is, proceed, pursuing His will. Always.

<>< Katie

PS: Just because Whitney and I don't usually converse via email doesn't mean we can't. Just because God doesn't usually get your attention through a medium as crazy as He and I often use doesn't mean He can't or won't.

The Gang's All Here

Well, summer is over.  Even though classes don't start for another few days, I'm back at school.  Most students aren't back yet, but all six of the girls in my apartment are back.  (Jennifer, Nikki, Allyson, Amy, and Elizabeth)  Despite our hectic pre-semester schedules, it's been great to be back together playing Banangrams, being sassed, Wii-ing, being sassed, cuddling, being sassed...

Oh, and the light switches have been fixed.  Allelulia!  No more being blinded because you, heaven forbid, rolled over in the middle of the night.  Now if you sit still for fifteen minutes, which I can do thank you very much, the light goes off.  Of the two, I prefer this (I think).

Another glitch in our brand new building is the lack of intenet.  Since school is not in session, the computer lab are not open, so I have to butter up to a professor, yes, before school even starts, to check my email.  I can survive without internet.  Facebook can wait.  Email's important, but anyone emailing me urgently right now will accept the "My internet's not connected yet" excuse.  The blog, sorry friends, can survive a few days without me.  Books, however, need to be ordered.  At the beginning of last semester I talked about how I like brand new books and don't mind paying bookstore prices to not have to worry about the hassle.  I stand by those opinions.  However, this semester my schedule includes a stinky science class with a text book that costs almost a million dollars. A book I'm never going to use again and will not be able to sell.  So I Amazoned it. (I just made "Amazon" a verb... it's English).  Since I had to order that one online, there were a few others I ordered, too.  Well, intended to order.  The lack of internet put an impasse on my plan.  I'm not making an online purchase from a public computer, sorry.

Periodically, I can get internet when sitting in a certain position on my roommate Jennifer's bed.  Ever seen someone putting cell phone in the most bizarre of positions in order to get a signal?  Yes, that's me with my computer.  When I get Jennifer's Bed internet it's for about ten minutes and that's it for the entire day. This morning, I was starting to get cranky about the situation and stressed about the upcoming semester.

I only had a half hour, so I booted up my computer, plopped it on Jennifer's bed, and began to rant.  "God, I can live without internet. I proved that several times this summer and again this week. However, I'm really starting to worry about this upcoming semester. If I could just order my books I'd feel a lot better."  I checked my AOL email since it's my internet provider (since 1997!) but before I checked my school email and gmail, before I checked facebook, before I checked the blog (gasp!) I went to Amazon.

Finding the books was quick and easy.  Checking out, no problem.  I got decent deals and saved a lot of money.  Life was good.  I hit "Submit this purchase."  It went.  PAH!  I closed amazon and typed "katieax.blogspot.com" into the navigation bar.

"Internet Explorer cannot display the page."

I was moderately annoyed and simultaneously moderately amused.  I said I wanted internet to order books.  I got internet to order books.  I could not help but say, "Thank You, God."  The blog.  Facebook.  Email.  All were unnecessary distractions.
 
Twelve hours later, I'm using some friends for their internet to update my social media outlets, not for work.  Life is good.
 
<>< Katie
 
Reason of the Day to Laugh at Katie:

I dropped my socks in the toilet.  No, they weren't on my feet.  Yes, the toilet was empty.

Significant First

It came today. The first of many, I’m sure. I might even accumulate enough to write an obscenity on the wall. Except while this was a surprise to me, it was not a surprise to God. He saw it coming. He let it come and during this hard week. He was sitting next to me when my first rejection letter made its way into my inbox. I realize I’m a writer. I realize I’m going to face a lot of these in my life. There’s no way to avoid them except by not sharing. That’s what hurts the most. I was confident with this one. Yes, apparently over confident. The people that rejected these pieces are the same people that keep urging me to share. Here I have and it’s shot down. Reject my work. That’s fine. I can’t win them all. However, please tell me why. What makes my pieces different from the other pieces that made it? I’m not saying my piece was perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect piece; I want to know where I can improve. I won’t take it personally. I won’t give them evil stares across the classroom tomorrow, but that doesn’t stop the waterfall that’s running down my face.

Rejection letter = upset = tears = runny nose = blow nose = (fear of) bloody nose

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken math but Chris tells me that means I could just say:

rejection letter = bloody nose.

Translation? Rejection letters punch me in the face.

The next step is my decision. Am I going to punch someone else in the face or am I going to move on? Am I going to let the pen dry out, pick a new major, and find a new career goal or am I going to accept this and realize it’ll happen again but some day it’ll change? Am I going to stay here hiding in my bedroom, ignoring text messages or am I going to go out in the living room and laugh at the formerly-constipated, now-possessed plastic mooing love cow? The choice is mine.

I did venture out.  I opted against going to my writers' group where I could wallow in pity with other rejects, if there were any.  Instead, I went to sign choir and kicked tables.  A classroom magically turns into a practice studio on Wednesday nights and that means all of the tables and chairs need to be collapsed and disposed of into the closet.    It's incredibly theraputic to kick in the hinges of class tables.

I tried to laugh and brush off the sasses but they hurt more than they do on an average day.  Especially the, "Katie, are you even literate?" when I misread the Wii directions.  It was a joke on my direction-following ability not my writing.

I remembered it's not Lent anymore, so I took my own cliche advice and wrote about it.  I guess the events of Wednesday weren't better than Tuesday.  In fact, the tears flowed instead of just threatening to do so, but my mood over all was better.  Even just a little.  I really appreciate your prayers today, and I could use a double dose tomorrow, please.

What really helped was Andy willingly playing "For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Relient K.  If you don't want to take a second to listen to the song, at least read the lyrics and sing them back to me when I forget them.

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

[Chorus:]
Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you you're wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

[Chorus]

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think You can, I think You can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think You can, I think You can

Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands

Much love,
<>< Katie

God Believes In You

You how when something's bothering you and there's only one thing, person, answer that can make it better? Sometimes you don't even know what the one thing is until it appears. Something like that happened to me today. I was grumpy (no peanut gallery comments), and I nonchalantly excused myself from the kitchen to avoid getting crabbier. Like any normal college student who's been at work all day, I came to the computer and checked my email, facebook, grades, etc.

There it was. Right there inside my inbox.
Subject: God Believes in You
From: Max Lucado

Of course, I read the devotion that went along with it, but really the subject line hit to the heart a whole lot better. I'm keeping it in my inbox. Not because I haven't read it (in fact, I first read same devotion in a book recently) but because sometimes you need that subtle reminder that God believes in you.

In the words of Point of Grace, "When I think I'm all alone and the phone starts to ring: It's just the voice I needed to hear on the other end. You do it again, You do it again. You speak to me just like a friend. You always seem to show up right on time. You do it again, I guess You know when my heart needs to hear Your voice... I could be driving in my car, I turn the radio on. Trying to figure out my thoughts, then I hear the perfect song. I can open up Your Word and not be sure where to turn, but I start to read and it's like You know just what I need."

Hey, God believes in you, too!

In Christ,
<>< Katie

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8