The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Sometime just prior to Halloween I heard my first Christmas carol of the season. It flipped a switch inside of me and I was ready for Christmas.

Of course, my gifts weren't purchased and I was pleasantly surprised to feel 40 degree days rather than the 4 below I was expecting, but all through November I waited anxiously for the snow and for the rest of the world to be ready to play Christmas songs.

Yet now it's the night before Christmas, the tree is decorated, the gifts are wrapped, the last of the cookies are in the oven, and the snow gently falling. But I am ready to put on the brakes.

Christmas isn't the most wonderful time of the year when you're unemployed. Rather, it's a brutal reminder of your lack of income, your need to pinch every penny, and your wreath decorating your parents' home rather than your apartment.

Giving up isn't an option, but hope is fleeting. Still I pray "Thy will be done" and "Send me." Still I have a nice collection of rejection letters.

I don't mean to be all doom and gloom, but, honestly, singing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" is lying through my two front teeth.

I try not to linger too long in this world of overwhelming pessimism. Life is hard right now, and I'm sick of repeating myself about my failing job search. I'm well beyond ready to talk about something else.

So let's talk about some other people whose world may have also seemed overwhelmingly pessimistic.

Mary. She's pregnant and engaged but her fiancé isn't the father. I bet she got sick of trying to explain that.

Joseph. Someone else impregnated his betrothed. Well, isn't that a sticky situation?

Herod. Some baby is lobbying for his throne (or so he thinks).

The inn keeper. The "No vacancy" sign is illuminated yet still there's a very, very pregnant woman and her man on the front porch.

The sheep, oxen, and other stable animals. Um, hello, there's a baby in their breakfast bowl.

Jesus. God Himself is being shoved into the skin of an infant. Ouch.

The Christmas story is not exactly what the Jews were expecting. Nope, rewind. Christmas was absolutely nothing like what the Jews have been anticipating, the hope-filled stories they've been passing down for generations.

A king was supposed to come to rescue them. Fallen cities would be restored, a temple would be rebuilt, death would be destroyed, and peace truly would exist on earth.

The long-awaited Messiah... a baby. It didn't make sense.
Emmanuel--God with us---is sleeping in a dirty cow trough.

Yup, definitely not the most wonderful time of the year.

I'm so glad Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the shepherds, et al. didn't call it quits, didn't tell God how to do His job. Even in these less than ideal conditions, hope shone brighter than the star illuminating the sky.

Like the shepherds, I am willing to drop everything and sing praises to the One who deserves them.

Like the inn keeper, I offer all of what I have, even if it doesn't seem like much.

Like Joseph, I desire to be obedient even when it looks very different than I expected.

Like Mary, I want to be faithful to what God has asked of me

Like Jesus, I seek to do what needs to be done no matter how uncomfortable, how agonizing it may be.

And, unlike Herod, I am not going to take matters into my own hands.

Maybe the most wonderful time of the year doesn't mean a walking in a winter wonderland.

Maybe it means hope and anticipation for something new. It means finding peace and comfort in God's promise never to abandon us. It means joy even in life's less than comfortable moments. It means resting in the loving arms of the Father.

The most wonderful time of the year is any moment when you remember that Christ truly is Emmanuel, God with us, both now and forevermore.

Amen.

In the Arms of the Father

The plane was preparing to land and the man across the aisle from me frantically fastened his toddler back into the window seat. The little girl began to whimper.

"Shh, shhhh, shhhh," the man said.

The girl whimpered more. The shushing wasn't working. Eventually the man unbuckled the child and pulled her into his lap.

The whimpering stopped. The child was no longer afraid. She was in her daddy's arms.

That's who I want to be: the little girl perfectly content my Heavenly Daddy's arms.

Even when I don't know where my next paycheck is coming from. Even when I don't know when I'll get to see my friends (read: family) again.

Are you willing to curl up in the lap of your Abba Father?

Even when finals are hard. Even when your kids are disobedient. Even when you're not sure if you'll be able to pay for the avocados to make the guacamole you promised. Even when life is hard.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1a NIV

I pray in marker.

Putting prayers on paper prevents me from getting distracted (raise your hand if you have the attention span of a butterfly when praying). It's childish and messy to use a thin-line Crayola on college-ruled paper. It is good.

Prayer is messy. Life is messy.

Like a child whose hands are more colorful than the paper, I stretch them up to my Daddy and let Him shush me with His perfect love.

"The LORD your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

Just as the daddy on the airplane cared for his little girl, all the more will my Heavenly Daddy care for me (and you).

Even through our childish fits about things not going our way. Even through our crying and panicking when there is nothing to fear.

Take a seat in His lap, stretch your marker-hands to the sky, let Him hold you, His child. Take peace and comfort in His love.

I do.

Love,
<>< Katie

Falling Asleep While Praying

Last night, I fell asleep while praying.

The night before, I fell asleep while praying.

I don't remember the night before that, but I bet I fell asleep while praying.

Been there?  Done that?

I used to fell bad about it.  I mean, if I were in the middle of the conversation and the person I was talking to fell asleep, I'd be upset, right?

I don't feel bad about it anymore.  In fact, I make it my goal to fall asleep while praying.

I'd much rather fall asleep with my thoughts focused on God than to finish praying and fall asleep worrying about tomorrow.  I love for my day to end in conversation with the Lord.

Try it sometime.  The peace that comes from it is... well, God-given.

<>< Katie
PS: But I don't fall asleep every time I pray...

Sadness and Joy

A large group gathered together in a dark upper room. The door locked out of fear. No one had bothered to light the lamp. No one wanted to speak. Complete darkness. It was not only a physical surrounding but also an emotional feeling.

Their best friend, their leader... was dead. Three years earlier they'd given up everything to follow Him.  This is not what they had expected.

Not even a week earlier He'd been celebrated. He was welcomed as a king. Not forty-eight hours previous they'd enjoyed a meal together. Now He was gone. Everything happened so quickly.

The room was filled with a myriad of emotions: hurt, regret, failure, longing, desperation, depression, darkness, confusion, loneliness, loss... the list goes on. Yet the most prevalent had to be hopelessness.

"How could this have happened?"

"I really didn't see this coming. Did He?"

"Now what?"

"Where do we go from here?"

The incessant number of unanswerable questions plagued them as they sat, paced, and cried.

Silence in a crowd. Darkness in the middle of the day. Loneliness among great friends.

"Peace be with you." A voice rudely interrupts their pensiveness. Who would offer peace on such a dreary day?

Only the One who can bring light into their darkness.  Only the One who brings hope to the hopeless.  Only the One who was dead but lives again!

Can you imagine the relief of the disciples?  Can you imagine the pure joy?

Place yourself in the upper room with the disciples.  Kneel before Jesus.

Notice the holes in his feet.  Touch the wound in His side.  When His nail-scarred hand slides under your chin and lifts gently, don't be ashamed. When your teary eyes meet His compassionate ones, don't look away. Think about all of the power those eyes hold, but now their focus is on you.

"I love you."

Accept the warm embrace from the living Savior and never, ever let go.

Have Pen; Will Travel

My life ends in May.

Or at least my calendar ends in May.  In May, I will walk across the stage to receive a hard-earned diploma, but I have no idea where I'm going to walk when I descend the stage.

I'm praying by then I'll have it all figured out.

Today I started filling out five graduate school applications to study creative writing.  I've been told getting a masters in creative writing is like getting a masters in violin: you're never going to use it.

Thanks for the encouragement!

The person who told me that went on to explain that I should do it because I love to write and I want to get better.

So I'm throwing caution into the wind and applying to MFA programs in five states around the country (only one of which have I ever visited before).

On tomorrow's to do list is updating my resume and applying for writing and editing jobs all over the country.  So if you know anyone that needs a writer/editor, I can probably hook you up with a good one!

The next day I'll apply for hobo positions in mid-sized cities.  Does anyone have a shopping cart I can borrow?

As I was mulling over these options and moping, I was having a nice facebook conversation with Casey.  She provided the traditional suggestions: Have you considered journalism or teaching?  Yes, thanks, and, no, I'm not interested.

She also provided me with some encouragement, said she was praying for me, and sent me on my way.  It helped.

That night, as I was going to turn off my iPod off, "Peace Be Still" by Rush of Fools began to play.

I didn't sign.  I didn't sing.

I sat cross-legged on my bed and let those words wash over me as God sang His daughter to sleep.

Come to Me, you who are weak.

Let My strength be yours tonight.
Come and rest, let My love be your bed
Let My heart be yours tonight.

Peace be still; peace be still.
Please be still and know that I AM God.
And know that I AM God.

Come empty cup, let Me fill you up.
I'll descent on you like a dove tonight.
Lift your head, let your eyes fall into Mine.
Let your fear subside tonight.

Peace be still, peace be still.
Please be still and know that I AM God.
And know that I AM God.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah...

The line that hit me the most was, "Please know [in your heart] that I AM God." I know that He is God.  I know that He has it all figured out.  I know that I don't have to know.  But that doesn't give me peace.

Please know in your heart that I AM God.

<>< Katie

Writer's Notebook entry dated 12-30-10.
Update 1-20-11: Four of the applications are now complete, the resume is updated, Dad told me I'd make a good hobo (what the heck does that mean?), and the oldest working iPod known to man has since died (August 3, 2005-January 13, 2011).

ASL Pride

Part of my new optimism ploy for the last eleven months or so has been to catch people doing things right.  If I'm going to do it for my "real life" friends, I feel the need to exhibit the same courtesy to my virtual friends.  As an ASL minor, I cannot let this story slip by uncelebrated.  Please take a moment and realize not everyone in the hearing and medical worlds are the evil deaf-haters that our professors make us out to be.  There are exceptions.  Please got take a few minutes and read it.  Thank you, Jim.  Well done.  <>< Katie

National Youth Gathering Post One: a YAV at the NYG in NOLA
NYG Post Two: The Savior, The Seat Belt, The Superdome

For the last week, I've been in New Orleans at the LCMS National Youth Gathering.  Basically, 25,000 teens from around the country (and world) gather to worship God.  As a volunteer, it was my job be enthusiastic, loud and crazy, and cheerful.  For a pessimistic introvert, that's not easy.  On top of the fact that I knew a grand total of one person at the event.  One.  Everyone else was greeting friends they hadn't seen in months or years and I was sitting there going, "Yeah, I haven't seen you ever.  My name is Katie; what's yours?"  Not going to lie, I was jealous and homesick (for my college friends).

My first night in NOLA, they split us up into groups of about 20 to 30 people that we would get to know over the next few days.  We shared our name, hometown, and one safety item we brought with us.  The conversation had kind of moved on, but it wasn't anything deep or serious (yet).  One girl got the attention of our group.

"Just so you all know, I'm completely deaf.  If you could please face towards me when you're talking, it'll help me read your lips."  Her voice was excellent.  I never would have known she could not hear had she not said something.

A little adrenaline rush started inside of me.  I wanted to know if she signed.  Ten minutes later, we were in a circle more conducive to conversation, and I threw out a simple, "Do you sign?" with Casey's favorite Question Finger.  I got a yes.  PAH!  My little adrenaline rush turned into a bigger adrenaline rush, and I'm amazed I didn't tangle myself into a literal knot.  It had been two months since I'd done any serious signing, so I was a little rusty.  But it didn't matter.

She was drinking out of her water bottle with her left hand as she watched me.  Her eyes lit up.  She didn't say, "Cool" or "Neat" or anything.  No, she said "Wonderful."  I babbled some more and then she took a turn talking about how so many people in the world are clueless about Deaf culture.  With the rest of our group staring rather rudely, she and I talked for a few minutes.  I learned she, too, knew no one at the NYG.

We weren't glued to the hip, but I made a point to know where she was at most times.  I began to imagine what it had been like for her to be trying to lip read everything.  A lot of times, she'd just give up and read her book instead of listening (or watching).  Once or twice she asked me what someone had said and I signed it back to her.

I don't know how she felt about encountering someone else who signed, but to me it was a sign from God that my week was going to be ok.  He was there with me.  There I was feeling sorry for myself about not knowing anyong and God sent me someone in a smiliar predicament.

Her honesty in admitting her deafness broke the ice for my group.  By the end of the 45-minute Get to Know You time, most of us were in tears.  Every person sitting in that circle had a story that would break your heart.  Financial challenges that meant it was only by the grace of God that he was able to attend the Gathering.  A girl that was signed up to attend the 2007 Gathering but found herself in the hospital instead.  A boy who was trying to quit smoking asked us to throw away his cigarettes to remove the tempation that week.  A friend of a 2007 participant who has since gone Home to Heaven.

Wow.

When the adult coordinator came by to give us a five-minute warning, our group was locked together in a hug.  In less than three hours we transformed from strangers trying to learn names ("When in doubt, guess Katie") to the family of Christ crying together.  I love it!

Peace

I walked away from my desk and something white on my chair caught my eye.  At first I thought it was a piece of paper, but when I picked it up I instantly recognized it as one of the words from our fridge.  We have those "create-a-sentence" words stuck all over our fridge.  With three English majors living here I thought they'd get used more but they really don't.  For a long time our fridge has read:

Jesus drinks wine.  Amen.
Cry when you give blood.
Sister rejoice and embrace hope.
One red fish.

I chuckled to myself as I picked up the magnet pondering how on earth it got to my desk chair, but then I read it: PEACE.  I wanted to pocket it rather than returning it to the fridge.

At the end of the semester, peace is in short supply and high demand.  Even though I still have another year, every day is a day closer to graduation and I have no idea what I'm going after that.  Every wedding invitation I receive in the mail leaves me pensive about my own someday.  That all is if I live through the rest of this semester.  Two more weeks of papers, presentations, and finals before a 16-hour drive home that makes me leap back into my homelife at full speed.  Will I be healthy by then or is this not a cold?  What internship will I be doing this summer?  How will that go?  Will my horse with the Kentucky Derby?

Big questions + little questions = lots of questions

But ultimately, it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter who put the peace piece on my desk either because it was a God-send and I needed it.

Peace,
<>< Katie

Movie Review: Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

It's not a big secret: I collect quotes. Silly quotes, serious quote, life-changing quotes, awkward quotes, words of wisdom, and down right ridiculous... They're written everywhere: in the middle of notes of class, on post-it notes littering my room, in the margins of books, in my email, on my hand, on my blog... They really should all be in my Writer's Notebook, but they aren't. Instead I have them all saved in a powerpoint attached with photos for your (my?) viewing pleasure. Well, "had" might be a better choice of words; the powerpoint disappeared with my thumb drive. I've come up with many of them like "the plotline of Acts looks like an EKG" (you would, Natalie) and "I wish my name ended in an 'A'" (Melissa). Unfortunately, some other quotes have been lost forever. To combat this tragic loss, I am slowly rebuilding my quotes collection. Here is the latest addition: 

"I've been introduced many times in my life and that was the most... recent." - Mark

Actually, that one is about six hours outdated now. My real newest quote is:

"All stories, even our favorites, must come to an end. This allows for new stories to begin."

It's one of the opening lines to Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.  I'm not a big movie-watcher because finding an entertaining, enjoyable, clean, not super-sappy movie is an almost impossible task.  I own literally ten movies (I just counted; eighteen if you include VeggieTales).  However, I found a good one that will be added to my personal collection next time I'm brave enough to peruse the vicious $5 bin at Wal-mart.

The other day Andy, Elizabeth, and I (all of us at least 20) popped in Mr. Magorium and were completely enthralled.  Sure, the movie is aimed at kids but it's great for parents, too.  It's shallow enough for a child to play but deep enough for an elephant to drown (a professor once said that about the Gospel of John).

Basic plot summary: legendary owner of a magical toy store dies and his heir has to decide if she wants to continue the tradition or close up shop.

Except it's a whole lot deeper than that.  This movie includes themes like peacefully accepting death, making the most life, and beliving in oneself.  Honestly, a movie that begins with a great quote about stories can hardly be bad.  "All stories, even our favorites, must come to an end. This allows for new stories to begin." Wow. 

I don't give a lot of movie recommendations, but I highly recommend you go watch this movie.

<>< Katie

Escape

BAH!

You know those days when you just want to scream? Everyone wants you and they all want you NOW! Not to mention other responsibilities you need to take care of. No matter where you go people follow you. For introverts like me, it's hard.

"But now even more the report about [Jesus] went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear Him and to be healed of their infirmities. But He would withdraw to desolate places and pray" - Luke 5:15-16

We've probably all skimmed over this passage a million times without stopping to think about it. Today in the midst of the daily bedlam that comes with living in an apartment with six other girl this verse finally caught my attention. Maybe peace and quiet do not exist at home anymore. Maybe I can't retreat to my bedroom like I always did in high school. But that doesn't mean I don't need alone time. That doesn't mean I can't find some. Maybe it's a walk around the lake, maybe a bike ride, maybe it's a trip to Wal-mart alone. Maybe it's just disappearing for a few hours and silencing my phone.

Find a way to recharge. Jesus did.

<>< Katie

PS: The other day I had Malachi (age 8) in a headlock on the floor tickling him. Micah (age 11) was running around behind me ready to help his brother but a bit hesitant. This made sense: Micah is more reserved than Malachi. What didn't make sense was the perplexed look on his face. Finally he looked up at Andy (age 22) to express his concern, "She's a girl! I don't know where I'm allowed to touch her!"

Falling Snow

Earlier this week, we sang a song by Chris Tomlin entitled, "You came like a winter snow."

It talks about how Jesus could have come to this earth like a hurricane, like a flood, like a burning bush... But He didn't. Instead He came to earth like a peaceful, calm winter snow.

When I first heard this song, I didn't completely agree with it. I don't think winter snow is calm and peaceful. Honestly, you say "falling snow" I think blizzard. I think wind howling through the fireplace. I think thunder snow and icy madness.

Today when I walked out of the prayer room officially bringing my Celebration Week to an end there was snow falling gently to the ground. Calm and peaceful.

Perhaps I was wrong. Winter snow can be peaceful and calm it's just not normally the case. God can be presented as a baby but that isn't normally the case. Yet it happened. He came to earth like today's falling snow.

<>< Katie

Peaceful

In my living room right now is a huge poster my small group made last semester listing everything we fear. Some of them are irrational fears like mice, wet paper, spiders, germs (ok, that was mine), fire (that's mine, too)... However, some of them legitimate, colossal fears like dying young, unintentionally pushing people away from God, accidentally killing a patient, rejection, failure, car accidents,not having what we need, running out of time, etc.

Since we've made that poster, I've come to realize that a lot of these fears control my life. I am slowly learning to let them go. Our current Sunday School study entitled "Fearless: Imagine A Life Without Fear" is helping a lot.

Today we discussed the fear of running out. What? We listed things we can run out of: gas, time, energy, and even hope. I didn't think this really applied to me until I was standing in Wal-mart an hour later with a case of water in my arms. I still had a two-gallon of water in my apartment (not to mention tap water but I think it tastes gross and has black floating things it in) but there I was buying more water. Unintentionally, I always ration my water, especially when I'm driving. I always leave one last schluck in the bottle until I arrive wherever I'm going. What if I get really thirsty before I get to my destination? What if I start hacking up a lung and don't have any water?

The fear of running out.

Worry. That's the root of this fear. Being concerned about something without considering God's involvement. Honestly, I don't think God's going to let me choke to death on air before I arrive unless that's His plan for me. Maybe it is. I don't know, but I can't spend my time worrying about it.

Matt showed us a variety of other ways to deal with our fears:
1. Pray first- 1 Peter 5:7, first means before anything else
2. Easy now- Psalm 37:7, take it to Jesus and be specific
3. Act on it- treat it like mosquito that lands on your arm.
4. Compile a worry list- look at them again next week. How many were really as big of a deal as you though?
5. Evaluate- do you see any themes appearing?
6. Focus on today- Hebrews 4:16, one day at a time
7. Unleash a worry army- let others share in your concerns and pray with you
8. Let God be enough- Matthew 6:32-33, even if you run out of everything else, He is there
That spells out:
P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L.

Be peaceful instead of worrying.
Go to God instead of being consumed by fear, even if you can't form a complete sentence. It happens. "God. Scared. Help!" will work.

"I will fear not evil." - Psalm 23:4b

Go in peace and serve the Lord,
<>< Katie

Our Heavenly Father's Voice

This isn't my God-moment, but it really stuck with me, so I thought I'd share.

A few weeks ago, my friend Neal was really sick with a kidney stone. His wife had gone to the pharmacy to pick up his medication, and he was in bed trying to sleep (or at least resting). No one else was home except that his dad was downstairs on the phone with his mom. Neal said whenever he could hear his dad's voice, there was a wave of peace that blew over him. Whenever his dad stopped talking (to let his mom respond), Neal was suddenly aware of the pain again. Even though he couldn't understand the words, hearing his father's voice from the other side of the house brought Neal inexplicable comfort.

Imagine what it's going to be like when we hear our Heavenly Father's voice. Imagine the comfort, peace, and rest His voice will bring us. Think about the peace and rest we can experience knowing He's here with us today.

Go in peace and serve the Lord,
<>< Katie

Peace Be Still

I walked into sign choir twenty minutes late today. We have an hour long practice once a week. Oops. Little did I realize we were learning a new song today. I walked in, freaking out about being late, worrying about getting caught up, and realizing that trying to cram everything in my schedule just wasn't working. And what to my wondering should I hear? (But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer... just kidding).

Come to Me, you who are weak.
Let My strenght be yours tonight.
Come and rest, let My love be your bed
Let My heart be yours tonight.

Peace, be still, peace be still.
Please be still and know that I am God.
And know that I am God.

Come empty cup, let Me fill you up.
I'll descent on you like a dove tonight.
Lift your head, let your eyes fall into Mine.
Let your fear subside tonight.

Peace be still, peace be still.
Please be still and know that I am God.
And know that I am God.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah...

American Sign Language does not match up word for word with English. Sometimes we change the words in order to get across the general concept. This is what we basically say:

Come to Me, all My tired children.
I offer My protection and rest to you tonight.
Come to be, relax, be comforted, let Me satisfy you.
Let My heart and yours be one tonight.

Everything you're going through wipes into peace.
Your busy-ness wipes into peace.
Please, son, have peace and know that I am God.
Know that I am God.

Don't give up. I'll give you My plan.
Jesus sacrificed, and ask for peace to fall down.
Look towards Heaven, pray, be in My presence, and worship.
Let your past frustrations and being overwhelmed wash away and be forgotten.

Everything you're going through wipes into peace.
Your busy-ness wipes into peace.
Please, daughter, have peace and know that I am God.
Know that I am God.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah...
Please, children, have pleace and know that I am God.
Know that I am God.
Please, know in your heart that I am God.
Look towards heaven, worship Me, from now-on.

(or something like that... it's a lot cooler in ASL...)

Go listen to the Rush of Fools song. Eventually we'll have a choir version of the song on facebook. :-)

Peace, be still.
<>< Katie