Trust, Even in the Desert

Let's be honest for a minute: some days I don't want to read my Bible, don't want to pray, don't want to spend time with the Lord.

It was one of those days.  Even though I wasn't tired, I was ready to call it a night.  I just didn't feel like doing a devotion.

Grudgingly I threw my Bible on my bed and flipped to where I was reading in Nehemiah.  Chapter 9.  The same chapter the pastor used in his sermon on Sunday.  The same chapter we'd read in small group.  In two days I had gone from oblivious to practically an expert on Nehemiah 9; I didn't want to read it yet again.  I figured I'd skim it quickly and go to bed.  Wrong.

Here's what you need to know: my favorite Bible is held together by purple duct tape.  If you drop it, a tree of papers will fall out.  The margins notes are numerous.  It's in such rough shape that I rarely take it out of my room.  But it's in that Bible where all of my sermon notes have been transferred... since sixth grade.

I flipped to Nehemiah 9 and lo and behold sometime in the last ten years (excluding this past Sunday), I heard a sermon on Nehemiah 9.  It was at our student worship service a few years back.  It wasn't my favorite guest speaker and based on the date and when that would have fallen in the semester, I debated even going that night.  I'm glad I did.

In Nehemiah 9, the wall around Jerusalem has already been rebuilt.  The people have literally wept upon hearing (and understanding) the Law they have not kept.  Now they're confessing their sins and reminding God of how He's been faithful to them through the exodus, the desert, and into the promised land.

It's an exercise I have been encouraged to use myself.  Since we're being honest, post-college life is a bit (ok, a lot) like a desert.  My days are filled with job searching and rejections.  My support system in 900 miles away.  I have to constantly remind myself of God's faithfulness.  But, as He did not abandon the Israelites many thousand years ago, God has not abandoned me here.

Have I abandoned Him?  Not quite.  But some days I do my devotion grudgingly; I grit my teeth while praying.

The notes in my margins around Nehemiah 9 say:

How far ahead could they see?
1. Not very far due to the pillar
2. As far as they needed to see

"You're not ready for the Promised Land if you can't trust Him in the dessert."

Hum.

Nehemiah 9:21 says, "For forty years You sustained them in the desert; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen."

I could make a list of things I lack here in the desert of unemployment.  But in Matthew 6, Jesus prays for daily bread not daily steak.  I have clothes sticking to on my back, I have a roof and ceiling fan over my head, and I have dinner on my plate.  It's definitely not ideal but it's satisfactory, at least for today.

And still, here I am annoyed that God said, "Not now" to graduate school, disappointed that my ideal job has not been dropped into my lap, and sad visiting my closest friends requires an airplane ticket.

How far ahead can I see?  Not very far.  But just far enough.  Not as far as I would like to see but just as far as God is willing to let me see... for now.  As difficult as it is to remember, He sees beyond the pillar.  He knows what comes next.  As I need to see it, He will reveal it to me.  Until then, will I trust Him in the desert?

God, I want to trust You in this desert.  But it's hard.  I am not ready for the Promised Land. Without Your grace and love, I will never be ready.  Prepare me for what lies ahead beyond my vision but not beyond Yours.  Let me focus on You and the pillar You have provided to lead me both by day and night.  I don't have to enjoy this desert, but I want to be found faithful through it.  Thank You for not abandoning me here.  I love You.  Amen.

<>< Katie

Wacky Wednesday

Allyson: I had to put studs in my ears because my right ear was growing up.
Jennifer: Really?  Getting more mature, too?
Katie: Is it going to graduate high school?

Andy: Katie, go home.
Katie: I am home.  You can leave.

Nikki: The way Katie plays with hair stresses me out.

Nikki: NO PDA!
Elizabeth: That wasn't PDA!  He blew a raspberry on my cheek!  There's no affection!

Katie: Nikki, I find it really easy to appreciate you when I don't see you.

Katie [voice]: Andy, if you're in the bathroom for more than five minutes, I'm calling 911.
[Five minutes later]
Katie [text]: It's been five minutes.  I'm calling 911.
Andy [text]: I am 911!
Katie [voice]: ANDY!
Andy [voice... from the bathroom]: What?
Katie: This boy's been in my bathroom for more than five minutes.

Katie: You guys can come to my wedding, but it won't be dry.
Jennifer: Then I'm bringing a poncho.

Matt: Missions is praying, giving, and going.  If you're not a missionary, you're a mission field.

Nikki: Half the things they talk about in that song we don't do on campus. ["Cheats" by Carrie Underwood]
Katie: Break into cars.  Slash tires.
Andy: Listen to country music.

Amber: Is it weird that I don't like being complemented on my interpreting because I don't want to interpret?
Katie: No.  It's like me being complemented on my poetry.

Elizabeth: Katie, while you're just standing there, would you make some chocolate chip cookies please? [We don't have an oven]

Elizabeth: Why can't we just defrost the dough in the oven?
Nikki: Because the oven is not a defroster.
Elizabeth: Then put them in the microwave.
Amy: This IS college!  I'll call my mom.  Mom, this is an emergency!  Do we have to thaw the cookie dough before we make them?  The directions say to thaw completely but we want cookies NOW!

Katie: I color my hair so I don't get confused for my sister.
Nikki: I never get confused for my sister.  Mostly because I'm twice her size.
Jennifer: Dye it--
Nikki: Diet?
Jennifer: --red.

Allyson: Guys, it sounds and feels like there's a thunderstorm in my stomach.
Jennifer: Oooh!  I want to hear it!
Katie: Is there lightning too?

Nikki: Katie, I don't understand you sometimes.  I wish I were you sometimes.

Church member: Where's your baby?
New Father: We took her back.
College student: Did you get your money back?
New Father: No, you always lose money on those kinds of things.

Nikki: I'd like to make an announcement: It's the day before Tuesday.  It's Monday.

Katie: What does it say?
Stephen: Avada Kedavra.
Sara: You just killed Katie Ax!
Katie: AHHH!  That's ok.  God gave me new life.

Katie: Better [dropping a computer] on a glass table than on my head.

Amy: Make origami.
Katie: I don't know how to make any origami that's pretty.
Jennifer: Like me.
Katie: If I knew origami, I would make a pretty you.  Or if I were your parents.
Jennifer, Amy: What did you say?
Katie: I said what you thought I said.
Amy: You said, 'your pants?'

Denaj: Jesus is a great editor.

Matt: God wouldn't expect you to do the impossible.

Katie: I'm donating blood tomorrow.
Andy: Are you going to let me start your IV?
Katie: Are you going to be there?
Andy: No.
Katie: Then no.
Andy: Do you have good veins?
Katie [rolling up my sleeve to look]: Yes?
Andy: I could hit them with a needle from across the room.  Yes!

Jennifer: I want to say something funny so you will write it in your nerdy notebook.
Nikki, Katie: That doesn't count.

David: Slim pickins.
Heather: Good thing God doesn't say that about us!

Rob: God will move mountains if we're willing to put in the shovel.

Jonathan Martin: If you ask for the fire of God to fall down, just be prepared because you never know what you're going to get.

Katie: ... yogurt out the wazoo.
Nikki: Ew!  I don't eat yogurt from the wazoo.
Jennifer: What's a wazoo?
Nikki: I think it's some secret anatomical place.
Katie: Ask Andy.
Jennifer: He would know: he's a wa who lives in a zoo.

Jonathan Martin: What have you done today without expecting anything in return?

Jennifer: Katie, you're lamo kablamo.  Put on your wrinkle shirt and lick a bone!

Katie: I'm going to go to my room.  People like me there.
Nikki: Katie, there's no one in there.
Katie: Your point?

Katie: It smells like campfire in here.
Elizabeth: Yeah, I'm straightening my hair.

Katie: Did you do anything fun today?
Andy: No, I didn't [because] I didn't work today.  BUT!  I did sign up for some EMS hours.

Nikki: Vulnerability and transparency.  They're yucky and they're good.  They're like vegetables.

By the way, I gave in and am now on Twitter (@KatieAx3), so you can follow our suite bantering in real-time and see quotes that inspire me throughout the day.

Happy Wednesday!  I pray no one is drowning in the Snowpocalypse.

<>< Katie

Moving Mountains & What If Questions

During church, we were doing an illustration about moving mountains.
"God will move the mountain if we're willing to put in our shovel," Pastor Rob explained.

To demonstrate this, the entire congregation got up in an unorganized communion-style line and proceeded to the front where we used a playground shovel to move some sand from a litter-box like mountain to a new box.  It was actually really powerful.

While we were in line, out of my peripheral vision I saw this kid flailing.  I didn't think much of it because I grew up in a church with a lot of (sometimes unruly) kids.  You learn to ignore them.

"Katie."

I turned.  Those flailing legs belonged to my favorite six year old.  When I turned and opened my arms, my buddy took a leap of faith and jumped into my arms.  I talked to him a bit as we walked to the front of the church, but he wasn't interested in conversation.  He just wanted to be held.

I think it's illegal to walk like a normal person when you are carrying a child.  We danced down the aisle.  Yes, I danced in a Baptist church.  And I didn't care what everyone else thought.  I was focused on my buddy.

We got to the front of the church and I shifted him to my right hip.  He shoveled his sand, and I did the same awkwardly with my left (nondominant) hand.

I went back to my seat, (temporarily) kidnapping Buddy.  He worshipped with us for the rest of the service.  I don't know that I've ever worshipped with a young child without his/her parents in the same pew.  It was weird.  Cool weird!

After church, our "Self Imposed Minster of Coffee" caught me.
SIMC: I saw you got yourself a child today.
Katie: I did!
SIMC: Where'd he come from?
Katie: He kind fell from the sky and into my arms.
SIMC: No, really, whose kid was he?

What if we were willing to take a leap of faith and jump into the arms of God? 
What if we just allowed our Abba Father to hold us, to carry us?
What if we danced like no one was watching?
What if no opinions mattered except for the Lord's?
What if we were willing to be used to move mountains, even when it's awkward and uncomfortable?
What if we shared our pew with others, even if it's a bit strange?
What if our posture and attitude change with God's presence in our lives?

When I was carrying my buddy, I no longer mattered.  Everyone wanted to know where the random kid came from.  As a Christian, I no longer matter.  I want everyone to know about God.

Going from "Katie the college student" to "Katie the college student carrying a random child" was an obvious change.  Is the change from "Katie that girl" to "God's daughter Katie" as obvious?  What if people saw that kind of change in me?  What if they asked where it came from? 

It fell from the sky.  It was all God.
<>< Katie

Craving Attention

With the Wiimote in her right hand the nunchaku in her left, she aimed for the television ready to shoot her archery arrow.  As she prepared to complete her shot, she was interrupted by a flying monkey.  Also known as her little brother.

When their mother told him to stop, he made her his next victim.  She was sitting on the floor, and he began a game of king of the hill.  I could see it was only a matter of time before my little buddy earned himself a time-out.

"Hey, Buddy, I've got a question for you," I said from the other side of the room.

"Did you hear that?  Katie has a question for you," his mom echoed, giving me the "thanks" smile.

The six year old ran around the coffee table and leaped into my arms.  There wasn't time to wonder if I was going to catch him or not.  I did and in a matter of seconds I had him in a headlock.

Katie: First question, how old are you?
Buddy: Six.
Katie: Second question, how do you like being upside-down?

I flipped him over, and he giggled and giggled and giggled.  I pulled him onto my knees.  My next move was going to be a "walk in the woods" where my knees become a horse galloping and suddenly the rider drops in a hole.  But it wasn't necessary.  When I pulled him back up and onto my knees, he sat peacefully for almost five minutes.  I was shocked.  The kid who mere minutes earlier bouncing off the walls was relaxed on my lap.

He had been looking for attention, and I gave it to him.  That's all he wanted.  He didn't want to cause trouble, he wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Don't we do the same thing?  We run around searching for attention in everything we can find.  More often than not, the wrong things.

When we focus our attention on God, He gives us what we need.  He catches us and holds us to His chest.  Sure, life isn't perfect in His arms.  Sometimes we even get flipped on our heads.  But He's still there, with His arms held firmly around us.  His constant love engulfing us. 

When Buddy was on my lap, the adult conversation around me no longer mattered.  He had my undivided attention.  When we're talking to God, we are given His undivided attention.  How cool is that?  To know the Creator of the universe is listening to you? 

Talk to Him, my friends.  Seek His attention.  Cuddle in His lap.  You won't regret it.

<>< Katie

The House that Pukes Kids

There is a local family that invites Amber and me over for lunch on a regular basis.  Sunday dinner is a gathering of three generations, approximately thirteen people, in a house near the church.  We know this family so well that we don't even knock before walking it.

Rather than briefing first-timer Kevin on the chaos he was about to encounter, we spent the ride there discussing some of our best pranks.  Those we've pulled and those that have been pulled on us.  The appropriate and the inappropriate.  The hilarious and the flops.

When we got there, we pulled the conversation to a temporary halt (primarily because I was telling alcohol-related stories and those are frowned upon in Baptist Country).  Amber pulled open the back door and I followed her in.  Behind me I heard a thud.

Kevin said as he was about to step inside the house, an eleven year old girl tumbled onto the ground from inside the wall.  She was quickly followed by her three year old cousin wrapped in one of Granddaddy's dress shirts.  They both laughed hysterically when Kevin jumped.

Amber and I were thoroughly amused but we knew there was still one missing.  I walked back and looked into the hole in the wall.  Sure enough, there was my six year old "boyfriend" with a pair of boxers on his head.

I guess the original plan had been to lure the three of us into the bathroom, together, and scare us by popping out of the top of the laundry shoot.  Well, that wasn't good enough.  Instead, they rolled out the side of it.

It definitely goes on the list of best pranks!

<>< Katie

Disclaimer: No one was hurt in the making of this blog.  The laundry shoot is like a built-in cabinet basket that opens in the laundry room on the other side of the wall.  The author claims no responsibility for any injuries that result from attempting similar pranks.

Hurt

If I could summarize this past week in one word I'd say: hurt.

In the last few days I've been bizarrely injured multiple times.  With a few of them I've had to seriously contemplate if professional medical attention would have been inappropriate.  It seemed every time I put my First Aid kit away it needs to come out again a few hours later.  I've always been the "girl with the Band-Aids" and now I'm "the girl who needs the Band-Aids."  It's annoying, but what is more annoying is that not all hurts are physical.

Emotional wounds are harder to treat.  Neosporin and Band-Aids don't cover it (no pun intended).  You think they're healing and suddenly you're gushing tears again.

At (adult) Sunday School I shared the prayer request that I keep getting hurt physically and emotionally, and I am sick of reaching for Band-Aids.

Our Sunday School teacher Matt smiled.  He said he could write his own name next to that request every day.  He said many others could do the same.

When Matt prayed, he thanked God for the rain pounding on the roof.  He said it was healing rain sent to cleanse and heal those of us who have hurts like I mentioned.  Later, he asked God to relieve our (my) physical, emotional, and spiritual hurts.

My first thought was defensive.  "I didn't say I was hurt spiritually."  As Matt prayed, God prodded gently.

"Yes, you are."

I can put a Band-Aid over my scratches to cover them up.  I don't have to see their nastiness and neither does anyone else.  Why am I still putting man's Band-Aid over God's band-aid (a scab)?

Emotional wounds don't need Band-Aids; they're covered in a different way.  They're hidden deep within me as if that'll make them go away.  The other day Luci said, "Katie, you're like a box.  I keep trying to open you, and I can't."  That hurt.  But it was true.

Is God saying that to me too?  "Katie, I'm here ready to open you, ready to heal you.  I'm ready and you won't let Me."

Just like physical wounds need to be cleaned, so do emotional and, more importantly, spiritual wounds.  Boy, does it hurt!  But it's vital.

<>< Katie

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

"Are there any prayer praises?"

It seems all of the long-term prayer requests in our Sunday school group had changes for the worse this week.  The eleven year old fighting adult cancer lost her battle.  The two year old they thought was finally on the uphill slope was given less than a year to live.  A discouraged soldier.  Continued pain for several younger women with chronic illnesses.  More relationship problems from a daughter.

"Feel free to share praises, guys," Matt said.

On cue, the door opened and in walked a young family.  Husband and wife with their newborn.  She was still pregnant when I came back to school a month ago.  We pulled out extra chairs for them and they got to sit front row center.  The father reached over, grabbed the leg of his wife's chair, pulled it closer to himself, and put his arm around her.  I had this sudden overwhelming urge to be that woman.  Someday.

We added this family to our list of praises.  The general energy of the room lifted upon seeing their tired faces.  We began to thank God.  We had to do some searching, but we found reasons to be thankful.

What are you thankful for today?  Don't be upset if you have to search.  Were you healthy enough to get out of bed?  Do you have internet access to read this?  A roof over your head?  Food to eat?  Clothes on your back?

Even if you say "no" to all of those things, you can say "yes" to this: you have a God who loves you.  Let that be what you are thankful for today.  It is enough because His grace is enough.

With love,
<>< Katie

Peppermint Mocha, Please

Well, I did it.  I found the perfect place to sit and write.  I could sit there for hours undisturbed.  It was quiet and there weren't a lot of people to watch.  It seemed pretty much perfect.  Except it's three hours from my house.  Dang it!

I don't care.  Let me tell you about it.  It's Radio Shack.  Well, sort of.  Buried deep inside this Radio Shack was a little cafe that had three very important things: coffee, wifi, and wine.  Ok, so I'm not quite 21 yet and I don't really care for wine, but I would be willing to take up wine-drinking just to sit there with a glass as I mulled over words.  They can't serve it by the glass, but you can buy a bottle and drink your wine... in Radio Shack.

Well, the Radio Shack Cafe was a fail since it's so far away.  Instead I tried the library.  My suitemates think I loathe libraries.  I don't.  Just our campus library because it's outdated and feels like a dungeon.  The public library was a great suggestion!  I was impressed.  It had almost everything I wanted in a writing spot:
Quiet- check
Minimal distractions- check
View of the lake- check
Desk/workspace- check
Comfy chair- semi-check... better than the spindle one at home
Coffee- negative
Outlet for my computer- negative
However, I'm not a big coffee drinker and caffeine gives me a headache, so I can sacrifice that.  As for the plug, well, if I go with my computer fully charged it lasts two hours and that's how long I have on the parking meter, too.  It passes the test of day one.  I'll just pray the old man who was reading over my shoulder sits somewhere else next time.

Later that same day, I had a meeting with my boss for my writing internship.  We met at Starbucks, thus I was able to have my tall caffeine-free peppermint mocha.  We then sat on the patio and worked.  More accurately: I sat on the patio; Matt paced.  This was our second "pacing session" where he discusses, draws, demonstrates, dreams while I throw out ideas and write feverishly.  Since we met in a coffee shop, this officially fulfills aspects of my "Coffee-Shop Dwelling Writer" dream.  I can only hope that Matt has a dream to be the "Weirdo pacing and talking outside of a busy Starbucks."

 “Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.” ~ John Jakes

<>< Katie

Peaceful

In my living room right now is a huge poster my small group made last semester listing everything we fear. Some of them are irrational fears like mice, wet paper, spiders, germs (ok, that was mine), fire (that's mine, too)... However, some of them legitimate, colossal fears like dying young, unintentionally pushing people away from God, accidentally killing a patient, rejection, failure, car accidents,not having what we need, running out of time, etc.

Since we've made that poster, I've come to realize that a lot of these fears control my life. I am slowly learning to let them go. Our current Sunday School study entitled "Fearless: Imagine A Life Without Fear" is helping a lot.

Today we discussed the fear of running out. What? We listed things we can run out of: gas, time, energy, and even hope. I didn't think this really applied to me until I was standing in Wal-mart an hour later with a case of water in my arms. I still had a two-gallon of water in my apartment (not to mention tap water but I think it tastes gross and has black floating things it in) but there I was buying more water. Unintentionally, I always ration my water, especially when I'm driving. I always leave one last schluck in the bottle until I arrive wherever I'm going. What if I get really thirsty before I get to my destination? What if I start hacking up a lung and don't have any water?

The fear of running out.

Worry. That's the root of this fear. Being concerned about something without considering God's involvement. Honestly, I don't think God's going to let me choke to death on air before I arrive unless that's His plan for me. Maybe it is. I don't know, but I can't spend my time worrying about it.

Matt showed us a variety of other ways to deal with our fears:
1. Pray first- 1 Peter 5:7, first means before anything else
2. Easy now- Psalm 37:7, take it to Jesus and be specific
3. Act on it- treat it like mosquito that lands on your arm.
4. Compile a worry list- look at them again next week. How many were really as big of a deal as you though?
5. Evaluate- do you see any themes appearing?
6. Focus on today- Hebrews 4:16, one day at a time
7. Unleash a worry army- let others share in your concerns and pray with you
8. Let God be enough- Matthew 6:32-33, even if you run out of everything else, He is there
That spells out:
P.E.A.C.E.F.U.L.

Be peaceful instead of worrying.
Go to God instead of being consumed by fear, even if you can't form a complete sentence. It happens. "God. Scared. Help!" will work.

"I will fear not evil." - Psalm 23:4b

Go in peace and serve the Lord,
<>< Katie

Forgiven

Last night, seventeen of us went out to dinner. Of course, with a group that size you need four cars, and somehow I ended up in the Deep Theological Conversation Car. I should have guess that by noticing the four men in the jeep with me, but I didn't mind.

"Ok, what kind of cool thoughts has anyone had about God lately? Let's start there," Keith said nonchalantly.

For the next hour or so we discussed forgiveness. One of the many conclusions we finally drew was that forgiveness is more for the forgiving than the forgiven. Forgiveness also doesn't mean what the other person did was right. Forgiveness does not make the sin acceptable. Rather, forgiveness is admitting, "Yes, what you did was wrong, but I've decided to put in the the past and move on. I wish you well."

This conclusion became important at dinner. Trey tried to throw an empty sugar wrapper at Matthew and missed, hitting me in the face. Me getting hit in the face is actually incredibly common. I narrowly avoided being hit in the head with a bowling ball tonight. I'm actually kind f sad it didn't hit me because that may be the only sports ball that has never collided with my face at some point in my life. Sometimes I really wonder if there is a magnetic field connecting my nose to anything being thrown.

Through laughter and tears, I told Trey I forgave him. I wasn't saying hitting me in the face was ok, but I was willing to move past it and be friends with Trey again. I wish Trey well.


While I was home for break, our church service times changed and no one bothered to tell the college students. Of course, we all showed up this morning and realized there was 45 minutes before the service started. Emily figured Matt told us. Matt thought we were on the email list. Really, it came down to John who completely forgot to mention it to us.

"I'll forgive Emily and Matt; it wasn't their responsibility. But I won't forgive John," Amber said, kind of in jest. "Ok, I'll forgive him, but not until after I tease him for it."

One of the things we pondered last night: is it ok to tell someone you forgive them if they don't know they wronged you? We concluded: no, you're shoving it in their face. Your sole motive is to hurt them back. That's wrong.

John came over and apologized. We teased about it for awhile. And then expressed forgiveness. We admitted what John did (or didn't do) was wrong, but opted to move on and wish him well instead of holding a grudge against John. After all, what had it hurt us? We lost forty-five minutes of precious sleep but that's it. No real harm done. Yes, Kevin, no real harm done; it was only 45 minutes.

Find it within you to forgive someone today. That doesn't make what he/she did right. It makes you willing to move on and wish that person well.

<>< Katie

Spider Web Sin

Both of these ideas are my Sunday School teacher Matt's, but they really stuck with me so I want to share them.

Have you ever walked through a spider web? What is your immediate reaction? Get the spider web off of you, right? What if we reacted to sin the same way we react to spider webs? What if the instant we sinned we tried to rid ourselves of it?